.

If I told you how I really felt, it would hurt you ... that's the last thing I wanted to do. I don't know how we got to where we are, but we are here and I'm forcing myself to deal with that.

For the longest, I've searched for happiness. All this time I've just assumed it was someone I was missing, not just something ... in a way, I was right. The person I was missing is me. What I am now is not who I was and that frightens me.

For so long, I have longed for someone to care for, and to hold -- now that it's mine, I'm still feeling the same emptiness.

Please try to understand me when I say to you: you did nothing wrong. When the problem lies within me, you cannot lay the blame on yourself.

I still cry no tears of Joy. My tears of Pain still bleed from these eyes that you so love. This face touched by your gentleness still crumbles ... for what I do not know.

I just ask you to understand. I do not want something to fill in the hole ... not to be just content -- but to be truly happy again.